Do you ever find yourself struggling with grief and loss during the holidays?
While everyone else is celebrating the joy and happiness of the season, do you find yourself grieving instead?
If this is you, you are not alone.
Grieving during the holidays can be difficult, especially when we’ve experienced a loss.
Grieving is an important part of healing, and we must learn how to take care of ourselves so we can successfully make it through and actually enjoy the holidays.
One of my favorite quotes about grief is from Vicki Harrison.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
Grief is definitely like that. It can be very overwhelming and come in big waves that feel like they are going to topple you over and push you down.
Then there are other times when you feel, “I’ve got this! I’m in control, and I can handle whatever comes.”
The important thing is to learn how to swim through it, knowing that grief is going to ebb and flow—come and go.
There are moments when the grief is going to overtake you and moments when you’re going to feel okay. That is just the nature of feeling those emotions.
It’s not any different during the holidays. In fact, sometimes, it can amp up because we expect to be happy, celebratory, and full of joy during the holidays.
Our expectations of how we should feel can greatly contradict how we actually feel when dealing with sadness, loss, and grief.
Christmas really should be a time of joy for everyone. So I want to give you eight quick steps to help get you through the holidays.
Step One: Remember that there is no limit to grief.
Whether it’s been six months or six years, it’s okay that you’re still grieving. There’s no limit to grief, especially when it comes to missing your loved ones during the holidays. There will be moments throughout the year when those emotions will come, and it’s okay. It’s a natural part of loving someone and then losing them. Honestly, I don’t think that grieving ever really goes away, but the weight and heaviness of it lessen as time goes on. There will always be an ebb and flow to grieving. So allow yourself to feel those emotions without shaming yourself that you feel them. Allow them to come and then let them go—just like the ebb and flow of the ocean.
Step Two: Tune into your grief and your emotions.
It’s okay to feel joy during the holidays. It’s okay to laugh and smile and have fun. Sometimes after a loss, we’ll feel joy, and then we’ll shut it down because we think we’re supposed to be grieving. It’s okay to have those moments where the waves pull back, and you feel that you can breathe again. You can feel sadness and joy at the same time—they can coexist together. You can go to the party, enjoy yourself, and have fun with the people around you. And you should never feel ashamed or guilty for having fun. Your loved one would want you to live and laugh and love and feel joy in life. Try not to numb yourself with drugs and alcohol, or other addictions. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and let them move through you, so you don’t find yourself stuck in the grieving process. There are many stages of grief, and it’s important that you move through all of them.
Step Three: Honor the memories and traditions.
If you had holiday traditions with your loved one, it’s okay to keep honoring those traditions. In fact, it might fill a void that you’ve been feeling. If at Christmas time you always had a specific tradition, it’s okay to still do that tradition. You can honor your loved one by keeping that tradition in place. For example, my mom always made a huckleberry cheesecake for Thanksgiving. When she died in September, I knew everyone would miss her huckleberry cheesecake, so I brought it to Thanksgiving dinner to honor her. Everyone loved it, and I still bring it every year to keep her memory alive. It’s such a beautiful tradition in our family and a wonderful way to honor my mother.
Step Four: Don’t be afraid to make new traditions.
It’s okay to create new traditions after the loss of a loved one. Don’t be afraid to move on and move forward with new traditions. You aren’t forgetting them by moving on, you are honoring the past while still living in the present and moving forward into the future. I truly believe your loved one would be happy and grateful that you are pressing forward and finding joy and happiness in life. Don’t be afraid to create new traditions that bring joy to you and to your family. It’s also important to challenge the guilt you may feel for creating new traditions. Creating new traditions is a wonderful way to increase joy and happiness for yourself and for others.
Step Five: Plan ahead.
If your loved one had a specific role they performed during the holidays, plan ahead on who is going to fill that role. For example, if Dad always carved the turkey and he’s no longer here, let everyone know who is going to fill that role. Maybe it will be your brother filling in for Dad. Let everyone know, “Hey, I know we’re all missing Dad. And since he’s no longer here, your brother is going to have the honor of carving the turkey this year.” It’s important that those things are put into place to help things go smoothly. Just like I fulfilled the role of my mother by bringing the cheesecake. It’s okay and even helpful to fulfill those roles to keep things moving forward.
Step Six: Take care of yourself.
It’s really important to take care of ourselves when we are going through a lot of loss. We tend to push our cares and needs aside when we feel we are investing so much time and energy into the grieving process. We often fail to take care of our sleep, our hydration, or our nutrition. All of these things are very important when we are going through the grieving process. Make sure you’re hydrating with 64 ounces of water every day. Make sure you’re getting some movement in your day. Movement is very beneficial for grieving, depression, and loss—even if it’s just a simple walk out and about. Getting enough sleep can positively affect your overall mood, feelings, and emotions. So make sure you’re getting enough sleep that is right for you. And finally, make sure that you’re getting some good nutrition. It’s the fuel for your body and helps you process all the heavy-duty emotions that come from grieving. It’s really, really important to take care of yourself—so make sure you’re doing that every day.
Step Seven: Serve others.
Service is super important because it gets you outside of yourself. It allows you to focus on something and someone else—especially when those feelings of grief are really, really heavy. Find somewhere like a soup kitchen or a service project in your community where you can go and participate in helping to serve someone else. You can even just look at the people around you for an opportunity to serve. Whether you serve a stranger or uplift a friend, it will make a difference in their life and yours. Service sends these great chemicals to your brain that help you with a sense of well-being. It will help you to have an immediate boost of positivity, help you feel better, and give you some purpose and meaning through the holidays.
Step Eight: Make sure to ask for help if you need it.
Don’t ever feel like you shouldn’t ask for help and that you should just be solid and power through. It’s okay to talk to someone. There may be people around you who won’t understand exactly what you’re going through, but they are willing to offer help, love, and support. Don’t be afraid to let them in. If you don’t want to talk to a friend or a family member, there are so many wonderful helplines out there. 988 is a new number that I really love. It’s kind of like 911 for those who are in an emotional or mental crisis. If you are struggling through the holidays or just feeling completely overwhelmed, reach out. There are counselors who can talk to you and help you through whatever crisis it is that you find yourself in.
Grief during the holidays is real.
Whatever you are doing for the holidays, I hope you are taking care of yourself.
I hope you recognize that grief during the holidays is real, and it’s okay to feel it. Above all, it’s important for you to recognize that even though it’s hard—you can make it through.
Hopefully, some of these steps have given you something to think about to help you with the grief and loss you may be experiencing this holiday season.
Experiencing loss and grief during the holidays can be hard and often overwhelming. But there are things we can do to help relieve some of the challenges that come with it.
As you work through the grief you may be feeling with the above helpful tips, I hope this holiday season is one of joy and peace for everyone.