Did you know that perfectionism isn’t just found in adults? More and more it’s becoming increasingly prevalent in children.
Kids have a lot to live up to nowadays. Do they excel in math or language arts, play an instrument, star in the school play, or stand out on the athletic field? Do they have several friends, have their college career chosen, have their perfect ACT/SAT scores, wear the perfect outfit, say the right things, and appear to effortlessly excel at most things? Many times, it’s the high achievers who struggle the most with perfectionism.
According to Laura Newberry of the LA Times, “A student can be a high achiever but not be a perfectionist, and vice versa. If your child is generally able to cope with setbacks and is OK with not being number one all the time, they probably aren’t in this camp. But if they work hard at the expense of their own well-being, are motivated by a fear of failure instead of personal growth, and tend to be critical of themselves or others, they may struggle with perfectionism.”
Why worry about perfectionism among students, particularly teens? According to the American Psychology Association, perfectionism is the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance in excess of what is required by the situation. And perfectionism in children and teens has increased by 33 percent over the last three decades.
To understand the dangers of perfectionism, Psychology Today says: “For perfectionists, life is an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. A one-way ticket to unhappiness, perfectionism is typically accompanied by depression (anxiety, OCD, suicidal thoughts) and eating disorders. What makes perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, so theirs is a negative orientation. And love isn’t a refuge; in fact, it feels way too conditional on performance.”
Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence or healthy striving, says Brene Brown, LCSW and author of The Gifts of Perfection. “It’s… a way of thinking and feeling that says this: ‘If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame, and judgment…’ Perfectionism is the ultimate fear… People who are walking around as
perfectionists…They are ultimately afraid that the world is going to see them for who they really are, and they won’t measure up… I call perfectionism ‘the 20-ton shield.’ We carry it around thinking it’s going to protect us from being hurt. But it protects us from being seen.”
As a social worker and therapist who meets with many children, teens, and young adults, I often find those who suffer from perfectionism worry so much about what others think of them that it debilitates them and often defines their worth and value. They are subject to tremendous stress to project a “perfect image” of themselves and their family to others. Sadly, social media adds to that “perfect life” syndrome. (We can talk more about this another time.)
There is hope and help for kids and teens that are perfectionists. Here are some things you can do to help.
Recognize your own feelings or tendencies towards perfectionism.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself and working on self-improvement vs. making yourself look better. When we learn to recognize the thoughts and feelings that are detrimental to our mental well-being, we can change those thoughts to a more positive frame of mind.
Educate your child about perfectionism and have regular conversations about it.
A perfectionist teenager often has a hard time recognizing the downsides of their perfectionism. Help them understand its true costs, especially the hazards of a rigidly critical mindset and a negative view of mistakes. Teach them how to reframe their negative thoughts and replace self-criticism with self-compassion.
My 15-year-old daughter sees a great deal of perfectionism in school, with teens feeling the need to be perfect. She spoke of many peers feeling the pressure to do well each term to bring their grades up with a greater push for straight A’s. As a person who strives for high grades, she often feels the pressure of doing her best, so we regularly discuss “being a high achiever” vs. basing her “worth or value” on grades.
Help your child stay focused on what they can control.
Remind your child that there are three things they can control—their attitude, their effort, and their actions. Help them see that so many aspects of success (or failure) are outside one’s personal control.
Celebrate the growth that comes from mistakes.
Let your child know that you value their good effort, regardless of the outcome. Share your own mistakes and what you learned from them. Consider a dinner-table ritual of celebrating the highs and lows of the day, with special attention to finding the silver lining in apparent dark clouds.
My 12-year-old son often struggles with making mistakes. Once, while carrying out a task that was in front of many people, he made a mistake. He walked back into the crowd to sit with me with his head hung down. As soon as he sat next to me, I gave him a big side hug and said, “Don’t hang your head down. Mistakes are going to happen and are part of life. I don’t care that you make mistakes. It’s what you learn from them that matters.”
Model acceptance and flexibility.
It’s normal and healthy for parents to want the best for their kids. But take care that you’re not being too rigid in your expectations. Check in with your child periodically with empathy and curiosity, and be willing to shift your hopes and plans for them if those aspirations are not actually serving their best interest.
Enlist professional help.
Perfectionism and its negative consequences exist on a spectrum. Maybe your child isn’t on the extreme end, but you recognize some of these tendencies, and you’re concerned. If it seems like your child is anxious, depressed, or socially isolated because of an obsessive drive to excel, you should seek professional help.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective approaches to help a child with perfectionism. CBT addresses the distorted thinking that underlies signs of perfectionism in children. Moreover, perfectionism can be a sign of an underlying mental health disorder, such as OCD or a trauma response. An assessment by a professional can help uncover the root causes of perfectionism.
Together, we can help teens struggling with perfectionism strive for self-improvement, self-compassion, and recognition that their self-worth is based on simply being human.